Chronic Bullies and their Enablers
Not all bullies are the same. There is a spectrum of bully types ranging from those who occasionally act out, to those who are chronic and more dangerous. The “occasional” or “situational” bully is someone who flares up and acts badly as a reaction to something that disturbs them. These seem to be the most common type of “bully” in my experience as a consultant working with organisations for more than 20 years. They also are the most likely to reform under certain circumstances. This is not the case with chronic bullies.
The “chronic” is on another level. They seem impervious to reformation. Instead, they double-down, lie, attack, blame and then isolate themselves from accountability. If an organisation gets tough with them, they will often leave. Typically, this occurs when a formal investigation into their behaviour begins. Unfortunately, not many organisations seem to get tough enough on bullies. They keep treating the chronic with soft gloves hoping they develop a conscience and will find the instinct to care. They won’t.
Chronics are the most dangerous type of bully, and they often have diagnosable personality disorders such as psychopathy, sociopathy and narcissistic disorder. Behaviourally, chronic bullies have some defining characteristics. They are often adept at the arts of persuasion, charisma and selling themselves. People have told me how they were initially impressed and charmed by the person’s confidence, humour and likeability. They seem to be good communicators and to be emotionally resilient and sympathetic.
However, this is only a façade. Chronics are masters of illusion and shape-shifting. One chronic told me that she practiced being empathetic by copying people who were empathetic. She admitted that she didn’t often know what others felt or experienced. It was all a mask in a game she played.
A significant feature of the chronic bully is the lack of genuine empathy. They cannot understand their own internal experiences and likewise they are unable to genuinely relate to the internal experiences of others. This is also why they have no remorse or sense of shame at their own cruelty and the damage they do to others.
“Chronics” usually bully other people regularly and consistently. Even their closest people. They are motivated by the need to satisfy their internal unmet need for love, but they distort this into an addiction of control, a hunger for admiration and entitlement. It is no wonder that they are masters of deceit and manipulation.
However, there is another factor that chronic bullies require to maintain their position. They need other people to support and protect them. They cannot become untouchable except by the willingness of their enablers who lie, protect and bully on their behalf. Unfortunately, there is often a queue of people who are willing to enlist in this sycophantic role.
Enablers do not realise how they have been groomed. It happened while they were not looking. The closer one gets to the chronic bully the more that person ends up giving away in terms of their psychological health. It’s a dark hole where integrity, self-respect, decency and common sense are destroyed. They get owned by the bully. Rather than being rewarded for their great devotion they are further manipulated and abused. Get used to the Jekyll and Hyde dynamic that involves being rewarded one day and punished the next. The demands of the chronic are limitless and exhausting. Enablers live in a climate of insecurity and fear of the bully. It is a terrible experience.
One way to deal with chronic bullies in an organisation is to create an environment or social system that they and their enablers cannot operate in. Instead of asking why this person bullies others, ask what might prevent them being able to bully others. It is all about the social environment. The environment is key.
How does an organisation do that? What are the ingredients of that kind of environment and how do organisations grow that kind of social system?
More to come on this subject…..
Hadyn Olsen